Continuing

Ok, this post is for me. I'm not trying to be dramatic or gain attention, but writing is excellent therapy for me, so here I am. For those of you who don't know, I've been quite sick. Basically my lymph nodes in my neck are swollen and not getting better and we don't know why. This is causing fatigue, discomfort, and lots of pressure in my ears. So I'm currently not working (I'm on leave) which, for those of you who know me well, is not something I handle well. First of all, I have a real problem being patient, and I don't do idle time very well.

I've been off work for a week now, but really it's almost two because the week before that I only worked 2 days. Admittedly a break from the stress has been nice, but under the circumstances it's not really doing a whole lot for me. The thing is, at this point, I've been sick on and off for over 2 years-- ever since I had mono when I was living in Logan. What I'm hoping for at this point is a long-term solution, not just a treatment of symptoms. So, if this is a catalyst for that, I will be glad.

The interesting thing about being sick, and I don't mean having the common cold, I mean illness of more long-term or serious nature, is that not only does it mess with your body but it totally messes with your head. What happens is, after you have been sick for so long, you start to forget what it feels like for your body to feel good, which makes you start thinking that the illness is all in your head. Especially if you're not healing quickly (which is clearly my current situation). The lines of wellness and illness become blurred. There are obviously added stressees of feeling alone, scared, not knowing when or how you'll get better, or what is really wrong, how that will affect your family/social/professional life. And the reality of it is, in order to heal, stress needs to be at a minimum.

What I've learned from the multiple times in my life I've struggled with illness (now let's not be dramatic, I've never had anything life-threatening) is that it makes you so much more compassionate towards people who suffer from chronic or serious illnesses. Also, for a person such as myself who normally leads an exceptionally busy and hi-energy lifestyle, it's an interesting process of your body forcing you to slow down and look at what you're really doing with your life, how you handle things, how you feel about where you are. For me, this has always been the most challenging product of the down time necessary for recovery.

Today I have been feeling frustrated with this process, because my progress in healing is marginal, slow, hardly notable. So I'm having to come to terms with the fact that it might take much longer than I thought it would. Daytime TV has been sucking out my brain, and I can only handle so many movies. Plus I needed some type of outlet... hence my decision to write. I think it's interesting how some people just don't get sick, and others get sick all the time. I know a few people who just don't get sick, and it's interesting how difficult it is for them to be empathetic. The trappings of physical illness are thick... it's like if you were thinking as hard as you could that you wanted to move your left leg but it won't move, no matter how bad you want it to. Regardless of how you feel or what you want, your body has to do what it needs to, and mind over matter only takes you so far.

I'm sure all of this is only interesting to me, but that's ok, because this post is for me. I have been thinking today about something that Victor Frankl wrote in his book Man's Search For Meaning (which everyone should read):

"Everything can be taken from a man but ...the last of the human freedoms - to chooseone's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

When I was sick in college, I took up decoupage to keep myself occupied. When I had mono... ok well I watched A Few Good Men 85 times and 3 days of an ANTM marathon... that was a little different because of how sick I was. When I had the ulcer I nursed myself back to health via peppermint tea and long, hot baths. This time... I'm not sure yet. Maybe my coping mechanism will be long, rambling blog posts. The following quotations seemed fitting and helpful to me:

"Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”

"But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.” Paulo Coelho quotes

“Nothing is given to man on earth - struggle is built into the nature of life, and conflict is possible - the hero is the man who lets no obstacle prevent him from pursuing the values he has chosen.” Andrew Bernstein

“The life of man is a struggle on earth. But without a cross, without a struggle, we get nowhere. The victory will be ours if we continue our efforts courageously, even when at times they appear futile.” Boniface Wimmer

“In spite of illness, in spite even of the archenemy sorrow, one can remain alive log past the usual date of disintegration if one is unafraid of change, insatiable in intellectual curiosity, interested in big things, and happy in small ways.” Edith Wharton

"The more serious the illness, the more important it is for you to fight back, mobilizing all your resources-spiritual, emotional, intellectual, physical.” Norman Cousins

I hope you all enjoyed this stream of consciousness post. I'm really ok, just kind of on an emotional/mental/physical roller coaster. I'm confident that my body will heal, that my Dr.'s will figure out what to do and how to help me get better. I know it will all turn out ok in the end, it always does. That doesn't mean things will be easy or work out the way I want, it just means that in the end it will all be ok.