Letting Life Happen

I’ve been told multiple times in my life from various sources that it’s important to write down goals or they will never be realized. I’ve written before on my blog about how there is power in making thoughts and feelings real through writing. There is something so undeniable about seeing things inside of us in black and white.

It has been an interesting week. I am currently reading a book: The New Codependency by Melody Beattie. I have realized, through recent painful experience, that I come from a long line of codependents. It’s okay. It’s just what happens in life. That doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with me or anyone else. It just means that things happen in life we don’t naturally understand, and those things affect other people, and then we have to learn to undo things we had no control over.

Anyway, in trying to find a notebook for some of the journaling I’m doing, I came across a legal pad I was using last year during my recovery from Legionella. It surprised me how so many of the things I wanted at the time have worked themselves out through natural progression, even though I haven’t looked at this piece of paper in nearly a year. Here are some of the things I wrote:

Things to figure out… [such an elegant title]

(my entire life. yay.) [feigned enthusiasm. This made me chuckle.]

School –

• When to go back   [went back in November]
• stay at ground or go online?   [combined the two via directed study]
• Do I need to finish?  [Yes! Finished in May]

Work –

• When to go back [went back in September]
• find a new position w/no overtime, much less stress [got this in December]

Other questions –

• Teach abroad? [no]
• Stay in Phoenix? [yes, for now]
• Go back to recreation? [definite no!]
• Go to Utah? [yeah… only to visit!]
• Decide to teach something else? [at the time, I was going to teach ESL. Now I’m not planning on teaching at all.]

Goals:

• Get healthy [while this will never be perfect, as part of it is out of my control, I am generally very healthy]
• Get involved in church again [now I have 2 callings]
• Work out often [I go to the gym at least 4 times/week usually]
• Plan for diet, exercise, and a job that works [I’ve lost 30 lbs, take good care of myself, and love my job]

One of the things I’m learning is that if I really talk to God and understand what I need to be working towards and make sure that I’m on the same page as Him, I will be gently guided to each of the things I need. I just have to get out of my own way! It took a lot of humility to surrender to the Lord’s will and timetable. It also took a lot of courage to admit that my life was out of control and I was doing a pretty crappy job of handling things. It’s a cycle. Now that I got things under control, I have to let go of the control again. That’s where the real progress takes place. Admitting it is the most difficult part.

I didn’t look at these goals again after I wrote them, which goes against every training and advice I’ve ever been given about goals. But it worked for me. I changed my heart and pointed it in the right direction, then walked with God each day, and He graciously showed me where He wanted me to be. It took a year, which is longer than I wanted, but it happened the right way.

Now, here I am, standing on the edge of the same decision. Release control and let life happen. Let God teach me what I need to know and trust Him to do it perfectly. I can’t wait to see what I’ll write a year from now.