Dilemma

Was anyone fooled into thinking that after I finished school I would slow down and chill out for a while?

I didn't think so.

I've started a writing project. I'm writing a book about my mission. I'm actually really excited about this because I wasn't as diligent as I should have been about writing in my journal, so there are a lot of holes in the story. (I'll forgo the obligatory list of reasons I didn't always write regularly.) I also think that journal entries lack a certain richness looking back because they are only connected to experiences previous to the time they were written. I understood the scope and meaning of my mission much better after completing it, and I feel there is great value in telling the story as a whole, the way it happened, understanding now what it means.

The first part of this project involves me typing up all of my journal entries. This is no small task. While I didn't always write regularly, I did write quite a lot, so it is taking me a while to sort through all of that. It's a fascinating experience to remember small details I had forgotten. My passion for Italy is sucking me back into vivid memories of what it was like to experience living there every day. I'm pleasantly surprised by the honesty of my writing. A dear friend of mine told me before I left that I should write what I felt and not worry about other people reading it later and judging me, so I did just that. It was great advice! But I'm now faced with a dilemma.

While the genuine nature of my writing is of benefit to me in remembering crucial details and emotions, it is not always... um... flattering to people I wrote about. At times, journaling was my only outlet. In my mission, sisters worked 2 to a city, so there was no one to do splits with, and it was difficult to find a way to discuss any companionship issues with other missionaries. This left me a blank page to sort out my thoughts and feelings. I often took solace in this process because it was comforting. I just finished reading an entry in which I expressed my longing for a friend when things with my companion were difficult. I knew this desire was between me, the page, and the Lord, as were many of my emotions throughout that year and a half.

I'm struggling to find a voice for the narrative of this book, and I haven't even gotten to writing the actual prose yet. I'm torn between writing completely honestly, holding back nothing, exposing truth and experiences that may leave a bitter taste for some. I struggle to decide how honest I will be with myself about my own feelings in certain situations. Some parts of this experience never made it to a page because they are things too close to my heart. Some things were voiced only to the Lord.

I'm tossing around the idea of two versions: one "uncensored" for my eyes only, and one "public" version that I feel comfortable sharing with others. Many of you know that I'm very possessive about the experiences I had on my mission because they are deeply personal and sacred to me. It's an interesting process deciding what things should be preserved in a tangible way, and what things should be kept in my heart. There's something about articulating experiences and feelings into words, uttered or written, that makes them more real and true, even undeniable. Within the confines of our own minds and hearts, we can remain neutral about certain things, but once something hits the page, it's black and white - undeniable.

Anyway, my question here is do I risk exposing my own emotions and possibly hurting people who may read my writing, or do I keep it to myself and spare everyone the pain? Either way, there will be an "uncensored" version, because it's about time I got downright honest with myself - herein lies the therapy of writing.